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Match #1 ToH Kelpie vs. FF Kelpie

Nick Daemon: Hello and welcome to the primere CONVERSION DEATHMATCH! The gladiatorial wrestling show where similar monsters from different D&D 3E publishing companies duke it out to see whos got the biggest baddest converted monsters out there!

Johnny Gnomez: Thats right nick! And tonight we have our debute duel to the death, in INVASION OF THE KILLER KELPIES! Lets bring out our two contestants now!

*** A gorgeous looking female figure enters the ring wearing nothing but the smile on her face. She would almost appear human but for the blue-green luster of her hair and sensuous skin.

Johnny Gnomez: In the Red corner we have the Necromancer Games ToH Kelpie Flower Child, and boy is she looking hot today!

Flower child: Make love not war!

Nick Daemon: Um Johnny, youre drooling. I cant believe you are checking out a plant! What would your wife say?

Johnny Gnomez: ... Huh? What? Oh, sory... And in the blue corner we have a half drowned warhorse?? What the hell? Who let that thing on the ring? Somebody call the stable boy!

Nick Daemon: No Johnny, that IS the new WOTC Kelpie Hippocampus Wannabe.

Johnny Gnomez: *shaking his head in disbelief*: You have got to be joking!

Nick Daemon: Im afraid not.

Hippocampus wannabe: Neeeeeeeeigh! (Translation: Make war, not love)

Mills Maim: Lets get it on!!!

Johnny Gnomez: And the whistle blows but the ToH kelpie is still in shock! I dont think she was expecting a warhorse either Nick!

Nick Daemon: It looks like the WOTC Kelpie has a surpise round on its side! Hes charging and oooh its an overrun!!! A hoof to the head, now thats gotta hurt!

Johnny Gnomez: Well Nick, its a good thing shes already a plant, otherwise a blow like that would turn her into a vegetable!

Nick Daemon: Yes Johnny, the ToH kelpie needs to get her act together if she is going to pull through and win this one lets see how she does in the next combat round!

Johnny Gnomez: And it looks like initiative is a tie! Both kelpies open up the second combat round with a charm attempt! Whos will be successful?

Nick Daemon: Flower Child is lucky we decided to use a MALE kelpie for her opponent, the ToH kelpie's charm ability is useless on female targets why do you suppose that is Johnny?

Johnny Gnomez: Well Nick, my wife says its because only men are dumb enough to fall for a plant. I think women just like the WOTC kelpie because its hung like a horse.

*** Both combatants stare across the ring at one another as they engage in a contest of will and seduction. A hush falls over the screaming crowd as they watch in suspense.

Johnny Gnomez: Well Nick, it looks like neither Charm worked, The WOTC Kelpie is giving an aggressive whinny and looks like hes preparing for another devistating charge as the ToH Kelpie growls at him?

Nick Daemon: That sounded more like a purr to me Johnny!

Johnny Gnomez: And they BOTH charge! AMAZING! Slaming into one-another they roll to the floor, quick let me get out my hardcover 3.5 Complete Guide to Grappling!

Nick Daemon: Ummm that doesnt look like a grappling attempt to me Johnny

Johnny Gnomez: Holy Gygax!!! Well it looks like BOTH charm attempts worked after all!

Nick Daemon: Now THERES some mature content that will put the book of Vile Darkness to shame!

Johnny Gnomez: Ah-hem! Well folks, looks like thats it. Nothing more to see here.

Nick Daemon: Im a bit disappointed myself, I was hoping for blood!!! BLOOOOOD!!!

Johnny Gnomez: Easy there Nick, next time! There will be plenty of blood to come. Meanwhile well post the stats on the baby as soon as its born. What do you suppose it will be Nick? A plant or a fey?

Nick Daemon: Or an aberration! Im guessing it will use the Tauric Template from MM2!!!

Johnny Gnomez: Well today was a tied match, so both WOTC and Necro teams are still neck and neck!

Nick Daemon: Join us next week for an all new CONVERSION DEATHMATCH!!! and dont forget that the grand finale is scheduled to be LUCIFER vs. ASMODEUS as these two arch-devils duke it out over the throne of hell once and for all!!! Dont miss it! Good fight, and good night.

Match #2 ToH Disenchanter vs. FF Disenchanter

Nick Daemon: Hello and welcome back to CONVERSION DEATHMATCH! The gladiatorial wrestling show where similar monsters from different D&D 3E publishing companies duel to the death to see whos got the biggest baddest converted monsters out there! Two contestants go into the ring but only one comes out alive!

Johnny Gnomez: Thats right nick! And tonight we have a full house in anticipation of CAMEL COMBAT! In the front row seats tonight are such famous camel enthusiasts as Sadam Hussein, Joe Camel and the Three Wise Men!

Nick Daemon: And we have a special guest referee here tonight! Lets all give a warm welcome to the Iraqi Information Minister Mohammad Al Sahhaf!!! (We Love the Iraqi Information Minister Mohammad Al Sahhaf) Now lets bring on the magic-sucking camels!!!

*** The NG door opens and a bizarre bluish camel-like creature with a long elephantine snout pads towards the ring sniffing around the crowd as it passes, looking for a magical treat.

Frodo Bagins: Hey! My ring!!!! awww man!

Sam Gamgee: Well that saves us one hell of a trip!

Sauron: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Johnny Gnomez: In the Red corner we have the Necromancer Games ToH Disenchanter Mr. Snuffelufagus Jr, and it looks like hes already found a magical snack! Youve gotta respect a fighter that can drain a major artifact on his way to the match!

Mr. Snuffelufagus Jr: Burp!

*** The WOTC door opens and the crowd goes silent. The massive camel-like creature coming through these doors is brownish in color with heavily armored plates. Rather than an elephantine snout it has a long prehensile tongue, and at the end of its tail is a massive bony club-like protrusion.

Nick Daemon: And in the blue corner we have the WOTC Disenchanter Bone masher. Hes big, hes bad, and he wants to eat your vorpal sword for breakfast!

Johnny Gnomez: In the name of Tolkien!!! What did they do? Crossbreed it with a frigging ankylosaurus?

Nick Daemon: I have no clue.

Mohammad Al Sahhaf: There are no WOTC infidels in the ring! There is no monstrosity towering over me! We will burn them in their tanks!

Nick Daemon: Ummm, is he going to start the match or sit there babbling?

Johnny Gnomez: It looks like hes still in denial to me Nick, good thing we have a bell equipped. Now lets get ready to rumble!!!!

***DING DING DING***

Nick Daemon: *thumbing through the FF and TOH* Um Johnny? Did we really just pair off a CR 17 creature to fight a CR3???

Johnny Gnomez: What??? That cant be right, let me have a look No thats right according to these tomes CR17??? Oooooh boy, thats not good!

***WHAM!!!***
***WHAM!!!***
***WHAM!!!***

Nick Daemon: Well from the looks of it the WOTC Disenchanter is giving Mr Snuffelufagus Jr the beating of a lifetime. Im not sure if I can bear to watch, and Im a FIEND for crying out loud!

Mohammad Al Sahhaf: Mr Snuffelufagus Jr has the situation under control! He will soon slaughter Bone Masher, it is the only foreseeable outcome! WOTCs doom is at hand!

Johnny Gnomez: Can you believe this guy?

***WHAM!!!***
***WHAM!!!***

Johnny Gnomez: And the ToH Disenchanter is down for the count!!! This could be it folks, looks like we all get to go home early tonight! But WAIT! Something has distracted the WOTC Disenchanter Look hes snaking that crazy tongue of his out into the crowd.

Nick Daemon: Hes Trampled Sadam to death, crushing the dictator into a bloody pulp, and hes headed straight for Drizt hes reaching for Drizts sword!!!

Mohammad Al Sahhaf: Sadam is well and still holds power! Praise Alah!

*** silence falls over the crowd, followed by gasps and mirthful laughter.

Johnny Gnomez: Well would you look at that, hes stuck! I guess theres a major disadvantage to disenchanting things with your tongue when it comes to Drizts Frostbrand!!!

Nick Daemon: And the ToH Disenchanter is on his feet again, yes folks hes back up. Thank the gods for damage reduction. Hes looking pretty mad to me Johnny!

Johnny Gnomez: Mad, maybe but hes still badly hurt and has no effective form of attack. Frankly hes helpless out there Nick. This whole match was a setup from the star Oh my I dont believe it. Mr. Snuffelufagus Jr is attempting to strangle the WOTC Disenchanter with his trunk!

Nick Daemon: Talk about persistence Johnny, you gotta admire the little guy!

Johnny Gnomez: The WOTC Disenchanter is still stuck to Drizts sword, and Drizt sure doesnt look like he wants to let go! Bone Masher is starting to look a little blue if you ask me Nick.

Nick Daemon: Now the WOTC Disenchanter has pulled free of Drizts blade, and hes swinging furiously to get Mr Snuffelufagus Jr off of his neck I dont know how much longer Snuffelufagus can hold on Johnny!

Johnny Gnomez: Mr Snuffelufagus Jr has slipped there he goes sailing through the air

***WHAMAROOOOOOOOOO!!!***

Johnny Gnomez: Wow that blow sent Mr Snuffelufagus sailing, aaaaaaaaaaand heeeeeees outta here! Home run!

Nick Daemon: Whoah Fatality! Did you hear that snapping noise?

Drizzt Do'Urden : My SWORD!!! YOU DISENCHANTED MY SWORD!!! YERRRRRAAAAAAGH!!!

Johnny Gnomez: Wait its not over yet! Drizt has entered the ring, and he looks furious!

Nick Daemon: You would be too if you just discovered your trademark magical weapon no longer registered on a detect magic spell!

***HACK***
***SLASH***
***HACKHACKHACKHACK***

Johnny Gnomez: WOW, hes flown into a berzerker furry! I guess that level of barbarian comes in handy after all! Just look at that those scimitars fly!

Nick Daemon: Look at the blood. BLOOOOOOD!

Johnny Gnomez: Um, yes Nick that is what we call that red stuff spattering the first few rows of seats in the audience. Joe Camel looks like hes going to puke!

Mohammad Al Sahhaf: Drizt will fall before the disenchanters raw might. He will drink poison and commit suicide. I predict he will die if he does not surrender immediately.

Johnny Gnomez: You gotta love this guy.

Nick Daemon: BLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!

Johnny Gnomez: Well thats Tonights match folks with a fatality count of three, including one of the worlds most notorious dictators, not to mention the destruction of the one ring. Weve got more exciting match-ups on the way, so tell your family, tell your friends, grab a date and come on down to CONVERSION DEATHMATCH!!! You never know whatll happen so dont miss it! Good fight, and good night.

Match #3 ToH Dark Creeper/Stalker vs. FF Dark Ones

Johnny Gnomez: Hello and welcome back to CONVERSION DEATHMATCH! Tonight we have a special tag team terror extravaganza in DUEL OF DARKNESS & DESPAIR! This match was brought to you by guinness! Guinness have you seen the dark? Soon we will be dimming the ring lights so we can bring out our light sensitive combatants.

Nick Daemon: This match of mystery has drawn out all sorts of shady characters into the audience tonight!

Johnny Gnomez: Thats right Nick, its a regular Rogues Gallery out there! Including the never before hear of lord and lady of darkness, the supreme rulers of the dark-ones races who have never before been seen in ANY gaming column or supplement until tonight!

Nick Daemon: HEY SOMEBODY STOLE MY WALLET!

Johnny Gnomez: *laughing* Well it looks like the little buggers have already gotten out and about! I guess you cant keep em locked up when their favored class is rogue then again given our current audience it could have been anyone!

*** Both NG and WOTC doors open simultaneously and out of each strides a pair of cloaked figures, each shadowing their eyes from the arenas lights as they stride silently towards the ring, as the crowd goes wild with cheers and applause as the lights are dimming

Nick Daemon: Boy do these guys reek! Dont they ever bathe?

Johnny Gnomez: *thumbing through the ToH* According to this, they never even wash their clothes, but rather continue putting on new layers as the older ones underneath rot and decay it gives them an armor bonus you know!

Nick Daemon: That is DISGUSTING! How do you sneak up on someone when you stink that bad???

*** Suddenly the lights go out completely and theres a scream.

Johnny Gnomez: What the hell was that? Who shut the lights off? Ill radio maintenance.

*** The lights come back up to reveal Mills Maim sprawled out across the mat with a dagger in his back!

Nick Daemon: Oh my god! You killed Mills! You bastards!

Johnny Gnomez: OK WHO DID THAT???

*** All four of the dark ones immediately point to one-another

Nick Daemon: Dont worry Johnny, with the dawn of Monte Cook and Sean K Reynolds' new game supplement Ghostwalk death is no longer an obstacle! Well just let Mills Maims ghost finish refereeing the match!

Mills Maim: *In a barely audible whisper* Im not dead yet!

Johnny Gnomez: What? Did he just say something?

*** The lights go out again, and there is another scream when they come back on there is ANOTHER dagger in Mills Maims back. Mills Maims ghost stands angrily above his body tapping his foot and clenching his hands into fists.

Mills Maims Ghost: OK, which one of you clowns did that?

*** All four dark ones point to one-another and do their best to look innocent.

Mills Maims Ghost: Enough You guys know the rules. I want to see a good clean fight, and no more of this lights out business LETS GET IT ON!

Nick Daemon: You gotta admire Mills even death doesnt seem to have fazed him.

Johnny Gnomez: Now the ToH and FF Dark Creepers have entered the ring. They are circling one-another brandishing those deadly daggers of theirs and now they have come together in a flurry of flashing knives!

*** Theme music to BLADE begins playing in the background

Nick Daemon: And the ToH creeper comes in with a sudden bull-rush! The FF creepers dagger slices deep into his opponent as he makes good use of an attack of opportunity, but he is still shoved backwards, tripping over Mills corpse! A quick slash to the throat of the prone FF Dark Creeper, and hes down!

FF Darkstalker: Mini-me? Noooooooo!!!

*** The FF Darkstalker swiftly enters the ring brandishing a shortsword. Meanwhile the ToH dark creeper pulls the daggers out of Mills corpse as well as taking the weapon from his fallen opponent.

Johnny Gnomez: And the ToH Dark Creeper has armed himself to the teeth, and hes poised to throw! The FF Dark Stalker dodges the first knife! The Dark Creeper throws again and the Dark Stalker knocks the whirling blade aside with his sword A third throw and HE CATCHES IT IN MIDAIR with his off hand!

Nick Daemon: The FF Dark Stalker now returns fire, lodging the knife in the dark creepers sword arm! The FF dark stalker takes two swift steps forward and in one fluid motion he beheads the Dark Creeper, splitting the severed head in midair with a second fluid strike!

*** The ToH Dark Creepers body and both halves of the head explode in flashes of bright light before they hit the arena floor. The FF Dark Stalker reels back, blinded by the flashing light.

Johnny Gnomez: By my dwarf barbarians beard! That was an impressive death throe if I ever saw one, the FF Dark Stalker is blinded, and the ToH Dark Stalker has entered the ring!!!

Nick Daemon: Yes Johnny, but dont forget these guys are masters in the art of blind fighting!

Johnny Gnomez: And the two close in a whirlwind of flashing blades and clanging steel

ToH Dark Stalker: One.

FF Dark Stalker: No.

ToH Dark Stalker: Judgment!

Mills Maims Ghost: A hit, a very palpable hit he gotcha like a stuck pig son

Lord of the Darkones: Stay; give me drink. Noche, this pearl is thine;
Here's to thy health. Give him the cup.

ToH Dark Stalker: I'll play this bout first; set it by awhile. Come.

Johnny Gnomez: Despite the interruption from their lord to join him in drink the two darkstalkers are back at it! The FF Dark Stalker is wounded, but seems to have shaken off his blindness. This could be a close one folks!

ToH Dark Stalker: Another hit; what say you?

FF Dark Stalker *clutching his bleeding side*: A touch, a touch, I do confess.

Lord of the Dark Ones: Our son shall win.

Lady of Dark Ones: He's fat, and scant of breath. Here, Noche, take my napkin, rub thy brows; The queen carouses to thy fortune, Noche.

ToH Dark Stalker: Good madam!

Lord of the Dark Ones: My Lady, do not drink!

Lady of Dark Ones: I will, my lord; I pray you, pardon me.

FF Dark Stalker [Aside] It is the poison'd cup: it is too late.

ToH Dark Stalker: I dare not drink yet, madam; by and by.

Lady of Dark Ones: Come, let me wipe thy face.

FF Dark Stalker: My lord, I'll hit him now... knock him on his cocky little...

Lord of the Dark Ones: I do not think't.

FF Dark Stalker: [Aside] And yet 'tis almost 'gainst my conscience.

ToH Dark Stalker: Come, for the third, Nocturn: you but dally; I pray you, pass with your best violence; I am afeard you make a wanton of me.

FF Dark Stalker: Say you so? Bring it on!

Johnny Gnomez: I dont know whats going on out there but things seem to have taken a shakesperian twist. The two combatants are back at it however the FF Dark Creeper wounded in several places while his opponent remains untouched!

Mills Maims Ghost: Come on people! I want to see less talk, more fight!

FF Dark Stalker: Have at you now!

Nick Daemon: And the FF Dark Stalker wounds his ToH double And in the scuffling it looks like a disarming attempt on both sides And they have exchanged shortswords! AMAZING. Now its the ToH Dark Stalkers turn to mete out some poison tipped punishment!

Lord of the Dark Ones: Part them; they are incensed.

ToH Dark Stalker: Nay, come, again. Im not finished with you yet.

*** The Lady of Dark Ones falls to the floor

Johnny Gnomez: And it looks like both contestants are now bleeding heavily. This is a close match and it looks like it is turning into a test of raw endurance!

Mills Maims Ghost: Theres something funny going on here!

FF Dark Stalker: Why, as a woodcock to mine own springe. I am justly kill'd with mine own treachery.

ToH Dark Stalker: How does the queen?

Lord of the Dark Ones: She swounds to see them bleed.

Lady of Dark Ones: No, no, the drink, the drink,--O my dear Noche,--The drink, the drink! I am poison'd.

Nick Daemon: And it looks like the Queen of the Dark Ones has just snuffed it Johnny!

ToH Dark Stalker: O villany! Ho! let the door be lock'd: Treachery! Seek it out.

Johnny Gnomez: Boy youd think these guys were used to treachery by now!

FF Dark Stalker: It is here, Noche: Noche, thou art slain; No medicine in the world can do thee good; In thee there is not half an hour of life; The treacherous instrument is in thy hand, Unbated and envenom'd: the foul practise Hath turn'd itself on me lo, here I lie, Never to rise again: thy mother's poison'd: I can no more: the king, the king's to blame.

ToH Dark Stalker: The point!--envenom'd too! Then, venom, to thy work.

Nick Daemon: Now those are some classic fighting words if I ever heard them! Now the ToH Dark Stalker has stabbed his own lord with the poisoned blade! Now thats what I call treason with attitude!

Lord of the Dark Ones: O, yet defend me, friends; I am but hurt.

ToH Dark Stalker: Here, thou incestuous, murderous, damned Dark One, Drink off this potion. Is thy union here? Follow my mother.

Johnny Gnomez: Incredible, now the Lord of the Dark Ones himself has been forcefed his own poison and bitten the dust! And it looks like the fatality count is still rising! The fans are certainly getting their moneys worth tonight!

FF Dark Stalker: He is justly served; It is a poison temper'd by himself. Exchange forgiveness with me, noble oponent: Mine and my father's death come not upon thee, Nor thine on me.

Nick Daemon: And now the FF Dark Stalker has fallen! It looks like we have a winner folks! Thats right this bout goes to the tome of horrors Dark Stalker and Dark Creeper!

Johnny Gnomez: Hey Nick I Just got a call from maintenance. They couldnt find anything wrong with the lighting systems, but the gas main has been ruptured. We better make sure nobody out there tries to light up a cigarette till they are outside!

Nick Daemon: Hold on Johnny, the ToH dark stalker is now writhing about on the floor it looks like he to is about to succumb to the powerful poison of his opponents blade if I remember correctly dont these guys explode in a ball of flame when they oh @#%$!

***KAAAAAAAA-BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMM!!!!***
the entire arena goes up in one gargantuan fireball.

Nick Daemons Ghost: Well thank the gods for Ghostwalk!

Johnny Gnomezs Ghost: You can say that again Nick! Tonights match is going to take a whole lot of resurrection spells to clean things up, but on the bright side I do believe we just set an all-time record for the fatality count! Well thats it for tonight folks. Remember, not even death its self can stop us from bringing you the best in death match entertainment! So until next time, good fight and good night!